When the couple separates us from friends and family, a prison of invisible and painful bars is erected over us. Often, it is a subtle but progressive isolation. We may say to ourselves that this is love, that nothing is as romantic as living for each other exclusively… However, little by little we discover how that encirclement is stripping us of our entire support network.
We know that the subject is not new. We understand that talking about the problem of control of the couple is perhaps a very repetitive topic. However, the problem is still there. It is given every day regardless of age, status or culture. It is recurrent and is intensifying more frequently among the younger population; among our teenagers
Patterns of partner violence are not always as clear as we think. The abuse, after all, is not limited only to a blow, an insult, an aggression that one can instantly identify by the damage it generates.
There are silenced dynamics that are just as disturbing that they are often confused with love. They are subtle tactics exercised by excessive control, by that supervision of the mobiles, of always being aware of who we see, with whom we speak and for how long.
As striking as it may seem, its devastating effects do not make this type of poisons more visible. Moreover, there are those who justify it, who see in that need to control a show of love, concern and sincere affection.
Now, we must be clear that these realities are traps, traps that are placed under the mantle of Machiavellianism and psychological abuse that leaves thousands of victims every day.
When the couple separates us from family and friends, how do you do it?
When a person isolates his partner from his environment, he usually does it gradually. Thus, when the couple separates us from family and friends, it is achieved by means of an arsenal of techniques and tools that we will not be aware of at the beginning: there will be other interpretations for their way of acting that we will tend to give for good. And that is the biggest problem.
Let’s look at some of these strategies.
Emotional blackmail is one of the most common ways of shaping isolation. Love becomes conditional and requires a series of tests that must be fulfilled and demonstrated.
With phrases like “it’s clear that you like to spend more time with your friends than with me” the fact that “if you love me, you should stop seeing so much your friends” is dropped.
Guilt as a tool
The use of guilt is directly linked to emotional manipulation. However, it should be noted that this type of trickery is the “queen” of the psychological framework of abuse.
The burden of the fact that the loved one blames us for neglecting it, for not taking it into account, for underestimating it, for not dedicating time, etc., ends up generating an evident impact.
Little by little, that cognitive dissonance is created where we assume these ideas to stop suffering, so as not to experience contradiction. We give in and little by little we see a lot less of ours, in order to stop feeling the weight of guilt.
I have the right to supervise your life because you belong to me and I belong to you
When the couple separates us from family and friends, they place the cage of love on us. Everything he does and says is the result of that harmful, invalidating and destructive love.
This is something that we must be very clear about. Because who controls and isolates what they are looking for is to possess us exclusively, to limit our reality so that our world has only four walls: those contained in the home and in that person.
This does not miss the typical phrases of “you are mine / a”, the “two are one”, “your world is mine” or “you belong to me and I am yours”. These expressions may awaken passion and fascination at first, but it is a very dangerous mirage where supervision will soon appear for everything we do, say, for everything we put on and, above all, for what we do in our lives. mobile and social networks.
Mental and emotional exhaustion
Dr. Tyrone C. Cheng, from the University of Alabama (United States), conducted a study on how violence and psychological abuse affected the person.
Let us think that all of a sudden, all that support network that was previously available is left aside. When the couple separates us from friends and family, we lose that part of our identity that is shaped by the people we love.
Our support is lost, the sources of support, listening, leisure, companionship, emotional contact are restricted… All this is devastating and it is common for an anxiety disorder or depression to appear.
However, the most striking is the exhaustion. The person is in continuous struggle and contradiction. He must take care of every aspect of his life so as not to contradict or damage the controlling partner, identity, self-esteem and even dignity are lost. They are states of great wear from which one takes a long time to recover.
Moreover, if the person finds strength (and their environment takes the responsibility to act on their help) and that harmful relationship is completed, the process to recover and “rebuild” emotionally and psychologically is slow and delicate. It takes some time to reconstruct each lost value, each manipulation suffered.
To conclude, when the couple separates us from family and friends, it is necessary to act. It will make us doubt ourselves, put on us the weight of guilt, the shadow of fear and the constant feeling that we do not love our partner enough.
Let us not be deceived, because authentic love does not cause that pain, it does not set conditions and it leaves spaces to be, to grow as a person and to continue cultivating ties with those who are meaningful and loved.