Affective Relationships with Insecure People, How are They?

Borges said that the worst of sins is not to be happy. That is why we must understand how affective relationships are with insecure people, those whose low self-esteem derives in obsessive jealousy, in wanting to become captive to their fears and obsessive mistrust.

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Affective relationships with insecure people can leave a bitter, even painful deposit. They are those profiles that live with constant doubt, with a low self-esteem that eats them up. They do not believe “I love you”, they are not worth the words because what they prefer and need are the tests of love and, above all, the sacrifices.

When fear rules over our entire personal universe, everything goes adrift. We may not notice it today, we may not see it tomorrow, but insecurity shapes great emotional snipers.

It defines people who are entrenched behind their shadows, their doubts and distrust, looking at the world from the sidelines. They do not expose themselves, they do not take risks but in turn expect that others, in some way, adjust to their perspectives and vital needs.

On the other hand, we know that each one of us also presents certain insecurities. It is normal. We all have corners to polish, loose ends to adjust, pieces that fit to be a little more solvent in our day to day. However, in affective matters, insecurity can be extremely dangerous.

Feeling, thinking and acting through the channel of fear, lack of certainty and low self-esteem can lead us to create really harmful links; also to experience certain psychological disorders depending on the personal characteristics of each one.

“He who is afraid has misfortune.”

-Kurdish proverb-

Affective relationships with insecure people: origin and characteristics

Said the Israeli writer Jonathan Safran Foer in his novel Tan fuerte, so close that “I am so afraid of losing what I love that I refuse to love anything”. At first, the statement may seem shared and accurate. It will always be better not to love than to subject the other to the constant empire of fear and fear of loss. However, the ideal and necessary is not to veto the feeling, not deny love and work that broken fabric frayed by fears.

Now, how are affective relationships with insecure people? There are always interindividual differences. Leaving them aside, and assuming the error that follows, we can say that the following characteristics occur frequently.

Look at me better than I see myself

The insecure person does not look for his partner to be his mirror. It needs something more, something more Machiavellian, complex and exhausting. The beloved has the obligation to be that focus that enhances and enhances the virtues of the insecure person. It is your emotional sustenance and you must nurture it on a daily basis of positive reinforcements, of images, words and gestures that can validate the other as he needs.

This exercise may take place during the first months, maybe even for a few years. However, such a task becomes exhausting. Especially because who strives to enlighten, magnify and brighten the shadows of the other, in the end, is himself relegated to indifference and emotional exhaustion.

The insecure that is victimized and the insecure that becomes a tyrant

In affective relationships with insecure people can also happen two realities. The insecure person usually uses two tactics to control their partner.

The first is to victimize. To make the other understand that he is not doing enough, that he is failing him. They will make us believe that we are selfish, will distort any fact, word or nuance to blame us for their unhappiness, their discomfort.

On the other hand, who suffers a clear feeling of inferiority can make use of a very classic strategy: strive to achieve superiority. This phenomenon was studied in his day by Alfred Adler. As this well-known social psychologist explained to us, the person suffers a clear division between the real (that is, weak) ego and the ideal (that is, the superior).

For that reason, he will not hesitate to try to enlarge himself and for that, nothing better than trying to “belittle” the couple. By submitting, undervaluing or despising their achievements and virtues the insecure person acquires power and strength.

The origin of emotional insecurity

Studies like the one carried out by Jeffry A Simpson, from the University of Minesotta, United States, point out that the origin of affective insecurity is in the attachment style with which we were raised. This is undoubtedly a very recurrent theory that tells us about the consequences it can have for our personality, a rearing based on rejection, neglect, those unmet and neglected basic and emotional needs.

This type of attachment ends up contaminated by fear, hence in adulthood that insecurity appears, that constant need to feel the validation that one lacked in childhood.

What to do when insecurity is present in our relationship?

Affective relationships with insecure people are not easy. We may be going through it right now. It is even possible that we ourselves are that insecure person, afflicted with fears, with constant doubt and the permanent feeling that we are going to be abandoned.

Daniel J. Siegel, MD, Harvard University, points out that a relationship is making a fruit salad, but never a smoothie. That is, we should never give up our essential parts to “dilute” ourselves completely in the other person. We will not do it, nor will we ask the loved one to do so.

Low self-esteem and insecurity should be addressed. We must treat irrational ideas, mistrust and those gaps that impede our growth, our psychological strength and emotional solvency. Something like this can be achieved through psychological therapy.

In love you do not have to demand sacrifices, you have to work on commitments. And to do it, you have to be brave, mature and determined. Think about it, love is something that is always worthwhile and as Borges said, the worst sin of all is to leave this world without having been truly happy at some time.