Reencounter with a Lost Love

Reencounter with a lost love revives sometimes, according to the anthropologist Helen Fisher, our feelings of longing and passion to restart a story that we consider unfinished.


Reencounter with a lost love can be the bellows that give life to that bonfire in appearance extinguished and in the background asleep. A clash between two souls who recognize themselves instantly, but who carry with them other lived crossroads, greater maturity and unique experiences on the swords. Sometimes, letting that flame burn can shape an exceptional story. Other times, it means repeating past mistakes.

We live in this era where it is not difficult to get back in touch with childhood friends and of course, with those people with whom we had (or not) a close, even intimate, relationship. Because lost loves are also those figures that awakened our illusions, fantasies or platonic ideals, but with those who, whatever the circumstances, we did not establish any kind of link.

Thus, it is more than common that we look for those names in social networks to recover contact. Sometimes, we do it out of curiosity. Others, for the express desire to recover contact. At other times, it is fate and chance itself that sets up the reunion and who makes us, almost without knowing how, to experience again sensations that we thought were off.

Beyond what we can think, studies and works like those carried out by the psychologist Nancy Kalish, from the University of California, show us that many of these reunions give rise to relationships that in a good number of cases are successful. However, there are also factors that can lead to failure. Let’s see more data below.

“We only separated to meet again.”

-John Gay-

Reencounter with a lost love, what can go wrong?

People join others in a very precise moment of our lives. We do it with our fears, insecurities, inexperiences and needs of the present. Now, if we leave that relationship at a specific moment and we find ourselves again years later, something very singular will happen.

Our emotions will be rediscovered. There will be a family spark that ignites feelings of yesteryear, the perfume of good times (because the bad ones tend to forget), the cadence of a music that is familiar to us. However, even being the same souls in the same bodies, we are really very different people. Life has sculpted us, learning has shaped us and our view is, in many cases, more prudent, wise and accurate.

All this makes us wonder if reuniting with a lost love can be positive or not. Would it be wise to consider restarting that relationship? What could go wrong? What is it about the person that I recognized from the person I met?

Sometimes, time gives us the maturity that the relationship lacked

Nancy Kalish, a psychologist at the University of California, is an expert in this subject of lost and rediscovered loves. In books like Lost and Found Lovers gives us the results of an exhaustive study conducted in more than 35 countries. The objective was to know what percentage of success had the restart relationships left at a given time in the past.

Well, the results could not be more striking. The couples that were reunited (being single) were 72% successful. That is, they formed stable and lasting relationships. On the other hand, in the case of reunion between people who already had partners, it was 5%.
One of the hypotheses of Dr. Kalish is that sometimes, time gives us the maturity that we lacked in the past, filing those corners that hurt. The lived experiences, the learning and the own life give us that psychological and affective solvency that perhaps, we did not have with 20 years.

Other times, reuniting with a lost love implies being able to recover someone that we could lose due to influences from the environment, due to family or social pressures. The present gives us the opportunity to correct something that we do not face with courage.

From romantic love to conscious love

The psychologist Thomas Lewis, author of A General Theory of Love, explains in his book that during youth, many of us move under the ideal of romantic love. We seek to establish relationships based on that impossible framework where little by little, we give form to links loaded with dependencies and violations.

We learn that love is not only passion, but also commitments. We realize the need to respect spaces and individuals, but at the same time taking care of that space where we can attend to affections, communications, projects.

Time and experience make some people (not all of them) see the need to cultivate a conscious and mature love. On the other hand, there is also a very interesting factor that the anthropologist Helen Fisher points out to us. Sometimes people experience what she calls “attraction of frustration.”

That is, we are aware that in the past we made mistakes with certain people. We feel frustrated by that immaturity, those mistakes of young inexperienced people. We feel that in our interior there are unfinished stories and not narrated at all that deserve more courageous restarts and endings.

That is why we launch, hence our desire to recover a relationship from the past. A rescue that will be more likely to be a success if we are clear about these aspects. We can not return in the same conditions as yesterday. We can not and must not allow ourselves to fall into the same mistakes.

There are many things that have changed, and many aspects that we must have clear. There will be loves that undoubtedly deserve new chapters. On the other hand, there will be others who had yesterday an adequate and even deserved point and end.