You are in the supermarket queuing at the cash register to pay, when suddenly someone sneaks in and… At that moment, although you get very angry, you do not dare to say anything because you do not start a confrontation. The opposite can also happen and the person who has slipped in receives the anger that you have accumulated throughout the day and you have not been able to express. Then come the feelings of frustration, guilt, etc. So that in this and other situations does not happen to you, we explain 3 techniques to practice assertiveness.
In the example, the first position (keep silence and move the uproar to the internal dialogue), is what is called passive behavior. It is usually a product of insecurity, as well as a low tolerance for conflict. Thus, in exchange for not generating controversy or participating in an unpleasant situation the person can become an accomplice to the violation of their rights.
In the second case, the attitude is quite the opposite, we are talking about an aggressive behavior, product of the lack of ability to channel the energy that accompanies the negative emotions. The difference is that he defends his needs and rights by violating those of others and, although he is right, he loses it because of his way of expressing himself.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is a quality of communication – therefore, it may be absent or present – that directly influences correct expression in situations in which assuming the position of issuer is not easy. Therefore, it is part of that toolbox that are the skills; In addition, as we have pointed out before, it is closely related to emotional intelligence.
This form of communication is a safeguard for our rights, both for those we already have and for the conquest of new ones. Continuing with this thread, we can say that it is sensitive to practice, easier for people who are sensitive to the context and are able to maintain a balance between the different connections: the one they maintain with themselves and the ones they maintain with them. the rest.
3 techniques to practice assertiveness that are very useful
Let’s know some techniques to practice assertiveness of authors of the level of Rivero Hernández, for example. Let’s see three that we consider especially interesting.
“When you put someone in charge of your emotions, you put them in charge of your life.”
1. Scratched disc
It is a very useful technique when we want to maintain a certain position before another person who does not stop insisting that we do something else. For example, that we do him a favor when we can not.
The other person will insist and insist trying to take us to their land. It is a form of manipulation – in many cases unconscious – that pretends that we end up yielding by exhaustion. That we get to the point where her insistence is so unbearable that we want to end it at all costs with her; and at all costs means that we will probably end up yielding and over-exerting so that the noise ceases.
The technique against this tactic of demolition and harassment consists in fixing an argument that we will repeat over and over again at the insistence of the other. For example, a person needs you to participate in an act and you need to rest. The scratched record would be that message, I’m very tired and I need to rest. Always give the same message, you will not spend resources to think about possibilities and turn the subject around.
The situation more or less would be like this: “Please, I need you to help me in the act of Saturday”, and the answer of the striped record, would be: “Thank you very much for having me, it is a detail, but I am very tired and I need to rest , so I will not be of much use, in another moment I will love to lend a hand. “
2. Talk about how I feel instead of attacking
Normally when something bothers us or we think that they do not respect our rights, we usually use the “you”, for example, “you are a disaster because you have not cleaned anything”. In these cases, the other person feels attacked and his response will be to respond to the attack as protection, generating a discussion.
On the other hand, if we speak from the “I”, saying how that situation makes you feel, it will be easier for us to wake up the empathy of the other and more difficult that the situation ends in a confrontation, being able to reach agreements. For example, “I feel overwhelmed because the house is not clean, why do not we solve it?”
3. The fog bank technique
It is about finding a point where both people agree, even if it is minimal, and use it to show that you have a link that can serve as a basis for approaching positions. For example: “I agree that the economic situation of the country is still not good, but the other workers in the sector charge more than I do and I would like my salary not to be lower than what was established”.
If you use these 3 techniques to practice assertiveness, you will see how your communication with others improves remarkably. On the other hand, so will your internal discourse, which will stop working with what could have been or was not, disappearing a good part of the self-reproaches, regrets and feelings of guilt.